I’ve been feeling pretty sentimental the past few days. After reading a very emotional blog entry about breastfeeding over at Raising Arrows I started to look at my feeding sessions with Gus in a new light. I’ve always enjoyed nursing my babies but I could get a little impatient when I had to stop what I was doing so that I could breastfeed.
Reading Emily’s Story I was in tears. Two dates jumped out at me while reading that heartbreaking entry. The first was Feb. 10, 2008. My water broke exactly 2 years later. I was just 28 weeks along. And the second was Feb. 14, 2008. Exactly one year later was the day my sweet baby Job Andrew went to be with the Lord.
All of this combined with the reconnecting with and old friend and the upcoming one year anniversary of the dates I mentioned earlier has had me feeling quite emotional. The good emotional 🙂
I don’t know how to tie this up. Usually I wait until I can find something witty or profound to say……but I think I’ll end it like this. Until next time.
Well it’s about time things start going in a more positive direction for me. It felt like that black cloud would follow me forever! But now that I am through my whole pregnancy ordeal I am feeling better. My household seems to be improving as well. We are finally getting ahead financially. What a good feeling. Emotionally I have been feeling good. I know it’s still early but I am hopeful that I will not fall prey to the grip of postpartum depression. All in all things are looking up
My shining light, my antidepressant, my blessing
I found this and thought I’d post it. I’m not stronger yet…but I hope to be someday soon….
“A Pair of Shoes”
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Why did everything have to change? Things were going so great for me. For the first time in a long time I was feeling settled and happy. So why did everything have to fall to sh*t? Yes the logical part of my mind knows this will pass and soon be forgotten. The feelings in me scream WHY?? Why now? Why me? Why, why, why?? I’m so angry & sad. I don’t want to feel this way. I want what I had last week. Happiness looking forward to my doctor appointment to see my baby. Now my hubby and I are fighting. My kids are sad because I’m sad. I don’t want to do anything, talk to anyone, leave the house….nothing! I actually took my phone off the hook. I tore the calendar off the fridge. It was too painful to look at. Even with the dates scribbled out I still knew. 😥 I just want my life to be as it was…….I know God has a plan and that helps to know. But it doesn’t take away these feelings…so deep, so painful, so sad, so lonely, so angry…..
I thought I was doing good after the loss of our baby. But today has not been a good day so far. I’m feeling edgy, tired, and I definitely don’t want to talk to anyone. My mom has been really getting on my nerves. In her defense she’s never had a miscarriage. But when I’ve tried to tell her about all that’s gone on she hasn’t responded in ways that are comforting. I don’t know where my mom is in her walk of faith but when ever I talk about God, Jesus or my faith she gets that defensive attitude and makes everything a joke. It really makes me not want to talk to her at all. If I say “praise the Lord” then my mom will say in a joking voice “amen” or “hallelujah”. When I told her about how God gave me baby Job’s name she just didn’t get it and made it seem dumb. I know from day one I said I was having a girl and I guess I confused her on that? She said something to the effect that we didn’t have to pick a different name for the baby that we could use the name Megan again. 😥 Sigh…I don’t know…I wish I could tell her how I feel and not “guard” my words so as to not get hurt. 😦
So I guess I’m in stage 2 Anger? The stages of grief are:
1. Denial (a refusal to believe what has happened).
2. Anger (blaming yourself or others for the loss).
3. Bargaining (striking a deal with yourself or God to have things return to the way they were).
4. Depression (feeling listless, tired, despondent, guilty, punished, and/or as if there’s no pleasure or joy in life).
5. Acceptance (realizing that life has to go on, and regaining your energy and goals for the future).
Driving to the hospital…..the longest, loneliest, hardest drive my husband & I have ever driven….God laid a name on my heart. Job Andrew. Our baby was only 8 weeks developed yet God knew who he was and He gave me his name. As soon as those names came into my mind I just knew. The weight of those 2 names were like a weight I’ve never known. And the peace that followed was so calming to my heart.
Isaiah 49:1 “……The Lord called me before my birth;
from within the womb he called me by name.” NLT
“……The LORD chose me and gave me a name before I was born.” CEV
God has been so good to us. He gave us strength when we had none and He held me when I was alone. I have comfort knowing where my sweet baby is and knowing we will some day be together again. Valentine’s Day from now on will be baby Job’s day. God was so gracious to give us a day of love to remember our baby! I praise Him and give Him all I have!!
These words are from the heart of my husband: